Revolution of the Kind People

100 days ago, I worked the last day at my job. I liked it there, but I felt that I was ready for a next step. What that would look like? I had no idea.

I felt that I needed time and freedom to explore my options. Until then, I’d tried to find something new while working two jobs and following a course. Something didn’t feel right. I was afraid that my lack of energy and attention would lead me to make a rushed decision. I really wanted a job where I would feel more comfortable and at easy. But how would I find it when I felt so overloaded?

It’s typical. I wished for something external, that I could already find internal. I developed the idea that only a new job could give me peace. But really, I needed to give myself a break.

That’s why I quit. It was really scary. How could I quit without a plan? Was it going to work out financially? For weeks, I still couldn’t relax because of all the anxiety. This wasn’t working as well. It helped me discover why it had always been so hard for me to relax. In my mind, I either had to keep going, or stress about the consequences of relaxing. Those are the only two realities of the survival mode.

It’s very hard to get out of that cycle. It’s like a trap – you’re never doing it right. To me, this is a very serious issue. When I was a child with sleeping problems, people always told me to do relaxation exercises. They didn’t work at all, and I felt even more “wrong” because of that. How can you relax when you inherently believe that life is dangerous? In a later stage of healing, relaxation and mindfulness will certainly help. But in this phase, it’s essential to first break down this fundamental belief about life.

Boldy stated, the basic belief of this survival mode is: Relaxing = dying. And don’t forget, when you’re really surviving, this is true! The younger you have learned to get into this mode, the harder it is to break through. But it’s possible. Within safe surroundings and with sufficient help.

On my last working day, I set a timer. “Days in the Unknown”. I wanted to consciously experience how long I could stay within this period of not knowing, of the in-between, until the next phase would approach me. And now, I reached one hundred days!

It was not without struggle. I lied awake, many nights, terrified. I cried many times. I tried to come up with many new plans, which all didn’t work out. Life was telling me: it will come, but first, trust and wait.

After one hundred days, it’s getting better. I’m discovering the beauty of the in-between. There is (surprisingly) a certain comfort in not knowing. On the one hand, it can be scary. But on the other hand, it’s also full of exciting potential. It helps me to focus on curiosity instead of anxiety. And trust that this isn’t happening to destroy me. It’s happening to heal me.

It also helps me to think about the story of Sleeping Beauty. She had to sleep for a hundred years. Some Jungian Analysts relate this period of deep sleep to unconscious transformation – after waking up, everything is different. It also helps me to realize that Sleep Beauty was innocent. It wasn’t her fault that the story happened. She didn’t do anything wrong. She wasn’t broken or bad at life. She carried within her a potential for transformation. Not only for her, but for the whole household. The story had to happen, for change was inevitable.

Now I wonder, what happened when she woke up?